January 2012
8 posts
“Baby. How do I put this? … You’re the world’s sweetest ass...”
this morning as i sat in a half fog, waiting in the parking lot for my turn to get into the line for starbucks, a woman motioned to me from her car. i couldn’t tell exactly what she was asking: maybe it was “are you in line?” obviously i was. i was sitting there before she even pulled up in her shiny lexus. or was it “can i go in front of you?” that had to be it. ...
December 2011
8 posts
I just heard my Aunt Julie compliment my Mom on our Christmas tree, to which my Mom responded “we’ve had that so long, she’s like an old whore. Put her in some dim light and dress her up and she looks great”. Amazing.
i'm so urban now.
ryan: u freakin out today?
me: ya i'm melting dowwwwn. no it's all good. just a lot.
ryan: ya, you're manic but i gotcha.
me: my car sold in like five minutes. i'm officially carless.
ryan: HOLY SHIT!!!
me: ya.
ryan: welcome to the land of the lost my friend.
me: any tips?
ryan: first tip, don't forget you're badass. second tip, if anything crazy happens, just act crazier. and then, safety first teamwork second as always. and last, you'll be fine, just think of it as a crazy adventure. we can go ride together.
me: ya i gotta get some air in my tires.
ryan: okay, change tip number one to that.
October 2011
2 posts
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September 2011
1 post
August 2011
2 posts
Golfer: Do you smoke?
Me: Me? Oh, no.
Golfer: (Disappointed look) Oh.
Me: Well, I mean I've tried it, let's be honest with each other. But it made me feel all funny and crazy like my arms fell off. Haven't really touched it since.
Golfer: (Strange look). Oh.
---awkward silence---
Golfer: Well, do you guys sell them? Like can I just buy a pack?
Me: A pack? OH! Cigarettes?! Of course cigarettes. Uh. Um. (Awkward blushing). Yes of course, six dollars please.
July 2011
2 posts
“I wanted to be like settle down tiny dancer, you’re too drunk to be in...”
– my friend ryan regarding his new gig in retail.
June 2011
4 posts
May 2011
11 posts
Jo: FYI, if you ever want to NOT be emotional, don't watch Oprah. I cried while watching it and then I cried while telling Emily about it. I'm REALLY nervous about today's episode.
Me: omg. we're twins. tell me what happened. a love story? a tragedy? an overcoming of a struggle? a birth?!
Jo: I seriously can't or I will start crying again.
Me: Come on. I love a good cry.
Jo: It had to do with a woman who was dying of cancer and made 60 videos for her 6-year old daughter to watch over the course of her life. I had to send Oaps an email about how wonderful it was.
Me: omg I can't imagine.
Jo: They showed one video that she recorded at 3am...uh....DEEP BREATHS because she couldn't sleep for 3 hours because she was so filled with love for her daughter and just got up to share that moment with her because she knew that in a few weeks, she wouldn't be able to do it. she died a week later.
Me: Did they show the video?
Joe: Oh yes.
Me: Oh dear.
Joe: And then they played the last recording she ever left for her family. And then I started sobbing. And then Oprah started sobbing. And then it was just like a mammoth trainwreck that spun COMPLETELY out of control. Next thing I know, I'm drinking a glass of wine at 4:45pm.
I kinda fell off the map for a while there with my tumbling, but I miss it so here I am. I kept feeling like too much had gone by with moving to a new place and the store opening and I couldn’t figure out where to even start again.
But today I decided that it doesn’t really matter. So with that, I’d like to simply say: today is an absolutely beautiful day and that is all.
...
April 2011
3 posts
March 2011
4 posts
Watchtylerriewer:
Hey- check it out! Here’s my sweet Portlandia moment in all of it’s glory!
Soooo awesome Ty.
February 2011
33 posts
Me: s-o s-o t-double o-d good! (wink)
Todd: what was that?
Me: clever huh? I was singing to you.
Todd: very special
Me: (proud smile)
Todd: for a guy named Tood.
Me: (red faced silence)
sometimes my a.d.d. gets the best of me, and i totally drop off into silence mid-sentence. for instance, i just went to tell t about my cousin’s girlfriend’s breast reduction surgery just now and the conversation went something like this:
me: my cousin’s girlfriend has breast - …. silence
t: your cousin’s girlfriend has breasts? wow cool. how unique!
me: i beg...